Andromaque in 10 Minutes
by aikaterini
Summary: A parody of Jean Racine's "Andromaque," a play in which nearly everyone is a selfish and obsessive creep.


Here is my attempt at a parody/condensation of a work of literature. Did I succeed? You be the judge.

Disclaimer: I do not own "Andromaque," since it is the creation of Jean Racine. This is just meant for humor and fun and no offense is intended.

"Andromaque" by Jean Racine in 10 Minutes

Pylades: Hey, Orestes, how've you been?

Orestes: Well, I've finally been cleared for the murder of my mother, the Furies have finally stopped chasing me, and now I'm officially the king of Mycenae, since my father and stepfather are dead now – but who cares about that, I need to tell the readers about the plot! (Clears throat)

Pylades: Oh, yes, so why are you in Epirus again?

Orestes: Because for some reason, Astyanax, the son of Hector, is still alive – even though I swear that he died in Troy, but whatever – and all the other Greeks have decided to send me here to ask Neoptolemus –

Pylades: You mean Pyrrhus?

Orestes: Oh, yeah, that's what I meant. Anyway, I'm here to ask him to give Astyanax to the Greeks so that they can kill him.

*crickets chirp*

Pylades: Wow, man, that's…kind of harsh. I mean, he is still a kid, you know.

Orestes: Yeah, but everybody's paranoid that when he'll grow up, he'll kill everybody to avenge his father. Because that's what all kids with murdered fathers do.

Pylades: Uh, couldn't we just raise him as a Greek, influence him to shift his loyalties to us, or –

Orestes: Look, don't shoot the messenger, that's just what I heard. Besides, now that I'm here, I can say hello to Hermione again. (Shifts eyes)

Pylades: Orestes, you do realize that she's engaged to Pyrrhus, right?

Orestes: And he's totally crazy about Andromache, Astyanax's mom. Come on, he's not into Hermione.

Pylades: But she's into him.

Orestes: So? We're totally going to get married. You'll see. *starry-eyed*

Pylades: Okay…if you say so…

Pyrrhus: For gods' sake, woman, why won't you just say yes?

Andromache: Did you just forget that your father killed my beloved husband and dragged his corpse around Troy? Did you forget that you murdered my father-in-law and that you and your merry band of murderers destroyed my home? Even if I wasn't still pining away for my poor, dead husband, you are the last man in the world that I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.

Pyrrhus: But – but I love you!

Andromache: You stole me from my home and have kept me as your prisoner, what is so loving about that?

Pyrrhus: You have conquered my very heart and soul! I am helpless before you!

Andromache: Yes, that's why I'm your slave, why you have complete power over whether or not my son and I die, and why you haven't freed me yet. Yeah, I'm totally wielding the power in this relationship. Idiot.

Pyrrhus: Hey, you do know that I could just keep you as my concubine, right? I don't even _have_ to marry you, since I'm already engaged and all, but since I'm so _generous _and _noble_, I –

Andromache: You can't just free me and send me back home? I know that it's in ruins, but at least I wouldn't be in enemy territory –

Pyrrhus: No! I love you too much to let you go!

Andromache: You're a moron. Look, I love my poor dead husband, Hector, and that's it.

Pyrrhus: Fine! Then I'll just give your son to the Greeks so that they can kill him! Why should I bother helping an ingrate like you?

Andromache: Because my son is an innocent _child,_ who has done nothing wrong?

Pyrrhus: No! Choose me or your son's death. Because nothing says "I love you" like blackmail.

Andromache: You're a monster.

Pyrrhus: How dare you! I'll show you! (Flounces off)

Orestes: _Hermione_. *starry-eyed*

Hermione: Oh…hi, Orestes.

Orestes: Officially, I'm here on a diplomatic mission. But the main reason I'm here is to see you.

Hermione: …Oh.

Orestes: Will you marry me?

Hermione: I'm engaged to Pyrrhus.

Orestes: But he doesn't love you! He doesn't respect you! Not like I do! He's too obsessed with that Trojan slave of his. I'd do _anything_ for you. And I mean anything.

Hermione: Well… (Thinks it over) If Pyrrhus says that it's okay, then I'll go away with you.

Orestes: Yay! I knew that we were going to get married!

Pyrrhus: Oh, hey, Orestes, what's up?

Orestes: The Greeks have sent me to tell you to give up Astyanax.

Pyrrhus: Sure, okay. By the way, I'm marrying Hermione.

Orestes: _What?_

Pyrrhus: Yeah, I've randomly changed my mind for no reason and I've decided to marry her after all, even though I don't care for her. Because I'm the king and that's how I roll.

Orestes: But – but I thought that you wanted to marry Andromache!

Pyrrhus: Yes, but she turned me down. (Sniffs) I don't know why, since I've been so _nice_ to her and everything. This'll teach her! Because I'm so mature like that.

Orestes: O-Okay… (Waits until Pyrrhus leaves and then wails in despair)

Andromache: What should I do? I don't want to lose my son…but I don't want to marry that selfish jerk either. What should I – oh, there's Hermione!

Hermione: Finally! Pyrrhus has finally come to his senses and has decided to marry me! About time! He left me waiting in Epirus for a year, can you believe that? But he so totally loves me and we're so totally going to be the happiest couple ever!

Andromache: Uh, could I ask you a favor?

Hermione: What do you want?

Andromache: I don't want to marry Pyrrhus. I only want my son to be alive and safe. Can you please get Pyrrhus to spare my son's life?

Hermione: As if! Why should I care about you or your stupid son? You stole Pyrrhus from me! You're the reason why I had to wait here so long!

Andromache: I didn't steal him from you; _he_ stole _me_ from my home. I want nothing to do with him, could you please just –

Hermione: I don't believe you; you're just a conniving gold-digger who's trying to steal my man! It's not like any of this could be his fault!

Andromache: So…I guess that's a no…

Hermione: Of course it is, stupid! (Cackles like the Wicked Witch of the West and then flounces away)

Andromache: ….Pyrrhus?

Pyrrhus: Yes, Andromache?

Andromache: I've changed my mind…I will marry you.

Pyrrhus: Really? Oh, that's great! I knew that you'd see it my way!

Andromache: Just promise me that Astyanax will be safe.

Pyrrhus: Sure thing, sweetheart. Oh, I can't wait to tell everybody the good news! (Dashes away)

Andromache: And I can't wait to stab myself after the wedding ceremony is over just so that I can get away from all these selfish idiots.

Pyrrhus: Hermione…we're through. Again.

Hermione: _What?_ But you just said that you were going to marry me!

Pyrrhus: I know…but this time, Andromache said yes. We're going to get married. So, yeah, we're done. Because I'm the king and that's how I roll.

Hermione: But – but –

Pyrrhus: Oops, got to plan the wedding, see you!

Orestes: So, he's _not _going to give Astyanax to us after all? Zeus Almighty, is that guy bipolar or something? Does he have short-term memory loss? And he's the king of this place? How does he get anything done around here?

Hermione: _Orestes!_

Orestes: Hermione! My darling princess, what's wrong?

Hermione: Pyrrhus lied to me! He's not going to marry me; he's going to marry that stupid Andromache instead! (Wails)

Orestes: _Hell yes_ – oh, I'm terribly sorry, Hermione.

Hermione: Avenge me, Orestes! Make him pay! Kill him!

Orestes: What – really?

Hermione: Yes, kill him! What are you afraid of? You killed your own mother, so surely someone that you barely know should be no problem!

Orestes: Hermione, _please_ don't remind me of that.

Hermione: Kill him! If you love me as much as you say you do, kill him! Kill him, Orestes, and I will love you! I will marry you!

Orestes: Really? *starry-eyed*

Hermione: Yes! Boy, you _Twilight_ haters thought that Bella Swan was a selfish, manipulative heartbreaker; at least she didn't make her men kill anybody! Not like me!

Orestes: I will do as you say, mistress, never mind that Neoptolemus is my host and I'm sworn to –

Hermione: You mean Pyrrhus, right?

Orestes: Right! As you wish, my darling! (Dashes off)

Hermione: Wait…now I'm not sure if I want Pyrrhus dead. I've suddenly and conveniently changed my mind. I must have picked it up from Pyrrhus or something. Orestes! Come back!

Orestes: You called?

Hermione: I just want you to know that I've –

Orestes: Pyrrhus is dead.

Hermione: _What?_

Orestes: The idiot was about to marry Andromache when he told everybody that he recognized Astyanax as the king of Troy. So, as you can imagine, everyone was pretty ticked-off and they all rushed to kill him. I'm not sure, but I think that Andromache was dancing in celebration when they were through.

Hermione: No!

Orestes: Yes. And now we can get married!

Hermione: No! Traitor! Murderer!

Orestes: Wait…what?

Hermione: Monster!

Orestes: Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold on. First of all, _I_ didn't even kill him. The other men did. Second of all, you _specifically _asked me to kill him. In fact, it was only a few hours ago that you were ranting and raving about how Pyrrhus betrayed you and how you wanted him to pay.

Hermione: Traitor!

Orestes: Hermione, _I just said_ –

Hermione: Murderer!

Orestes: I just did what you told me to…in fact, I didn't even do anything! And if I did, I would have done it for you! I love you, Hermione!

Hermione: Go away! I hate you!

Orestes: You're a horrible, shameless ingrate, aren't you? Why am I in love with you again?

Hermione: Shut up! Now I must flee and dramatically kill myself like any good tragic heroine, even though I'm more of a selfish, monstrous brat! (Dashes off)

Orestes: She – she doesn't really mean it. She's just feeling guilty, that's all. We're – we're going to get married. Aren't we?

Pylades: And so, Pyrrhus is dead, Andromache is laughing at all of us for being such melodramatic morons, and Troy and Hector are finally avenged...somehow.

Orestes: Py-Pylades? Is that you?

Pylades: Great Hera, what's happened to you, Orestes? You look awful!

Orestes: Where's – where's Hermione? We're – we're going to get married…

Pylades: Uh, dude…Hermione is dead. Where have you been?

Orestes: No…no, it can't be. She – she can't be dead, she just can't, we're supposed to get married…

Pylades: I'm afraid so. Just as they were about to do the funeral rites for Pyrrhus, Hermione flounced in and stabbed herself. You know, just to get her last dramatic swan song in there.

Orestes: _Nooo!_

Pylades: Afraid so. Hey, Orestes, are you…are you going to be all right? You're not going to kill yourself too, are you? Because I really don't want to be the Horatio of this play.

Orestes: No…no, I'm just going to take a little walk…that's all… (Aimlessly wanders off)

Pylades: Okay, he's officially lost it. So, I _am_ this play's Horatio. Fantastic. (Sighs)

THE END


End file.
